A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while morning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our

butt joke


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

You Know You're Canadian When:


You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color.

You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You know what a toque is.

You've plugged a car in overnight.

You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own

Q:- what does the little computer call it's dad
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
Data

Disney Password


Dad: My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because,"the son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Boy: Dad, what's
politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call
me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government.
We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother
is the future. Do you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son. That night the boy wakes up because his
baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He
goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in
there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him. The
next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast
asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!

Hilary Clinton was
taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S.
As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the
hospital to her.
Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could
clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor
quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary
had already seen. She fiercely looked at the doctor and said,
"What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?" The doctor calmly explained
to the First Lady that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to
ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die.
Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved on.
A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they
witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral sex.
Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.
"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the
same ailment as the last man, however he has a much better health plan."

Clinton returns from
a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs
under his arms.
At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice
pigs, Mr. President"
Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now
what do you think?"
The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."

Hillary Clinton was
on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops
and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?"
The boy replies, "They're Democratic puppies, Ma'am." With this she smiles and
walks off.
Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and
suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week
Bill was on his way to McDonald's and saw the boy and his puppies.
He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?"
The boy replies, "They're Republican puppies, Sir."
"Republican puppies?" Bill asked. "Last week you told my wife they were
Democratic puppies."
The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."

Bill and Hillary are
at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almandine
and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies

While driving along
the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign
that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in
sight. Let's take a chance!"

Doing 120 in a 65,
he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights
on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150
and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the
cop. Giving up he pulled over.
The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give
you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"
"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."
"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.
"I thought you were trying to bring her back."

A man walks into the
sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a
wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt,
brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."

Once there was a
police man and one day on duty he saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the
man that he was he went over and said to the man and said nice dog you got
there.
The man replied, "it's not a dog its a brick dumb ass!"
The policeman said "I'm really sorry for wasting your time" feeling embarrassed
and strolled away quickly.
When the policeman was out of site the man bent down and whispered to the brick:
"Got him there didn't we Rover?"

Three blokes are
driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the
mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.

The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're
in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick
them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around
the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to
give up, so we're on the patch."

The owl and the
pussycat went to sea, but the end of our story's quite sad.The owl pushed
the pussycat over the edge
`cos her gameboy was driving him mad